It\u2019s no secret that couples fight about money. It\u2019s a leading cause of divorce, and of something Dr. John Gottman calls \u201cgridlock.\u201d (You know those fights you have over and over? That\u2019s gridlock \u2013 an unresolved issue.)<\/p>\n
It\u2019s also no secret that God wants us to be generous and willing to share. The Bible actually says we\u2019re not experiencing true life until we\u2019re living generously (I Timothy 6:17-19). But what if you can\u2019t agree about how generous to be? What if your spouse is entirely opposed to giving? Or so eager to shell out the cash it makes your heart palpitate?<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s how Clint and I got on the same page about giving. And trust me, it didn\u2019t come naturally to us. In fact, it landed us in therapy.<\/p>\n
Talk about How Money Makes You Feel<\/strong><\/p>\n I know it sounds a little cheesy, but have you ever tried it? Word-association was one of the first things we did in counseling. I learned that while money makes me feel \u201canxious\u201d and \u201cstressed,\u201d Clint associates money with feelings of \u201cadventure,\u201d \u201cfun,\u201d and \u201cconnection.\u201d (Gosh, isn\u2019t he awesome? What I wouldn\u2019t give to trade brains every now and then!)<\/p>\n Those three little words put the first chink in my judgmental view of his spending. Maybe taking our daughter on an expensive shopping spree wasn\u2019t Share Your Financial Dreams<\/strong><\/p>\n After talking about how money makes you feel, paint a picture of your financial dreams. How much money would you like to have one day? What would your life look like? When it\u2019s your turn to listen, ask clarifying questions if necessary, but don\u2019t weigh in. The goal isn\u2019t to evaluate the validity or morality of your spouse\u2019s dream. The goal is to understand it.<\/p>\n Identify the Dream Beneath the Dream<\/strong><\/p>\n The next part is a little harder. Try to identify the dream beneath your dream. For instance \u2013 let\u2019s say your financial dream is to buy a mansion on Park Avenue and be the \u201cit\u201d house where all the kids want to hang out. Pools, tennis courts, helipad, you name it!<\/p>\n Why do you want that? Dig a little deeper. Maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional home with very little joy, and your \u201cdream beneath the dream\u201d is for your kids to feel safe, happy, and special \u2013 to have everything you didn\u2019t have. Or maybe your dream isn\u2019t to own a mansion, but to save so much money you couldn\u2019t possibly spend it in ten lifetimes. There\u2019s a dream beneath that dream, too.<\/p>\n Evaluate Your Desires in Light of the Gospel<\/strong><\/p>\n Once you\u2019ve identified your core desire, or \u201cdream beneath the dream,\u201d evaluate that desire in light of the gospel. If we\u2019re using the mansion on Park Avenue as an example, we might ask ourselves, \u201cWhat does the Bible say about true happiness? Can I trust God with my kids? What does the gospel say about God\u2019s love for me and for them? Does true safety come from stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes it\u2019s helpful to write down the lies you\u2019ve been believing. I believe I can buy happiness. I believe that if I give my kids a great life filled with great stuff, I can protect them from pain.<\/p>\n It sounds a little ridiculous doesn\u2019t it? Lies tend to lose their luster when they\u2019re stated plainly. And yet, when we don\u2019t pause to identify them, we live by them \u2013 ludicrous though they may be.<\/p>\n Take a Spiritual Next Step<\/strong><\/p>\n At this point, having identified underlying desires and held them up to the truth of God\u2019s Word, we\u2019re poised to actually change. To grow and be better. Before talking as a couple, consider what next step God would have you take as individuals. How is He calling you to grow personally in the area of giving \u2013 to live a new dream, built on truth instead of lies?<\/p>\n Create a Plan Together<\/strong><\/p>\n When you\u2019re ready to discuss guidelines for giving as a couple, begin with an area of agreement. (Counseling 101 \u2013 There is always an area of agreement, even if it\u2019s as simple as, \u201cWe both want what\u2019s best for our family.\u201d) Clint and I agreed that we both want to be generous and wise in our giving. We also agreed that tithing at least 10% of our income to God\u2019s church was a form of obedience. But above and beyond that 10%, we didn’t agree.<\/p>\n I wanted our giving to be structured (and \u2013 I\u2019ll be honest \u2013 minimal), but Clint wanted the freedom to give generously as God led. We decided to set a budget for charitable giving beyond our church tithe. Every month a certain amount of money went into a giving fund. If we didn\u2019t give it away, it rolled over. The fund gave Clint freedom to be spontaneous, and it gave me security because it was budgeted. Of course, there were also principles regarding saving, spending, and the like.<\/p>\n Fast forward several years, and our charitable giving fund no longer exists. It was a helpful tool for a season, but as I grew in trusting Clint and God, I outgrew my need for guardrails. These days when Clint wants to give extravagantly, I don\u2019t limit it \u2013 I lean in and celebrate it! Part of that has to do with my trust in Clint, watching him faithfully manage money for sixteen years. And a lot of it has to do with my own spiritual growth, coming to value eternity and recognize generosity as an expression of love for God (Matthew 25:40).<\/p>\n Wouldn\u2019t it be great if 2022 was the year you broke out of gridlock and put the money fight to bed once and for all? I promise it\u2019s possible. It\u2019s profitable, too, in the \u201ccurrency\u201d of relational peace and godliness. As Paul once told Timothy, \u201cGodliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come\u201d (I Timothy 4:8).<\/p>\n
\n\u201cfrivolous\u201d or \u201cirresponsible\u201d\u2026maybe it was his way of connecting with her, of demonstrating lavish love.<\/p>\n