{"id":102631,"date":"2022-02-05T08:24:56","date_gmt":"2022-02-05T13:24:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/discovergrace.com\/?p=102631"},"modified":"2023-09-19T17:22:59","modified_gmt":"2023-09-19T21:22:59","slug":"counselors-corner-3-approaches-to-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/discovergrace.com\/counselors-corner-3-approaches-to-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Counselor\u2019s Corner: 3 Approaches to Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the 1950s, prominent psychologist Karen Horney established three patterns of adjustment when faced with conflict: moving toward, moving against, or moving away from others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Compliant Approach<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Do you long for approval and affection? When faced with conflict, you may tend toward a \u201ccompliant\u201d response. Compliant people <\/span><b>move toward<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> others, wanting quick reconciliation at any cost. In childhood, the compliant adjustment pattern looks like clingy attachment and fear of abandonment. In adulthood, it can look like codependency, or the person who believes, \u201cIf I can just find a partner, I\u2019ll be okay!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Aggressive Approach<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cAggressive\u201d personalities cope with conflict by <\/span><b>moving against<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> others. They\u2019re motivated by a need for power and control, often wanting social recognition not for the limelight factor so much as the desire to be known and feared. In childhood and adulthood, aggressive types can appear angry or hostile when in conflict.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Withdrawn Approach<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As the name indicates, \u201cwithdrawn\u201d or \u201cdetached\u201d personality types <\/span><b>move away <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">from others. These are the people who resign and disengage when faced with conflict. In childhood, it can look like self-sufficiency, independence, or even indifference to others. Interestingly, they\u2019re often motivated by the need for perfection and may detach to avoid being exposed as flawed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Simple Steps Toward Healthy Conflict Resolution\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">First, <\/span><b>recognize your core desires.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Many psychologists have studied the connection between personalities and conflict resolution styles, and they\u2019ve found that surface responses to conflict aren\u2019t always indicative of core motivations. For example, some may appear withdrawn when facing conflict, but beneath the surface they\u2019re often aggressive because they\u2019re motivated by control. They just know how to temper their reactions. Similarly, some may move toward others outwardly (compliance), while inwardly checking out (detachment).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What drives you? What are your deepest desires? Answering these questions is the first step toward understanding why you respond to conflict the way that you do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Second, <\/span><b>talk to Jesus about those desires.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Let Him meet your felt needs. If you\u2019re angry because you lack control, sit with Jesus long enough to remember He\u2019s in control, and you can trust Him. If you\u2019re compliant, give yourself permission to be unliked. Remember that if you\u2019re still trying to please people, you\u2019re not living as a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10). If you\u2019re detached because you fear being exposed, remember the gospel \u2013 you are free to fail and be imperfect because Jesus is enough and He loves you unconditionally.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Third, <\/span><b>live in obedience to God\u2019s Word even when it contradicts your instincts<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Especially <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">when it contradicts your instincts. Consider Romans 12:17-18, \u201cDo not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If those verses irritate you, you probably have an aggressive approach to conflict. Don\u2019t ignore that passage. Press into it. Allow it to change you \u2013 that\u2019s the only way to grow. If you\u2019re compliant, you probably love that passage! Stop hiding behind it. Paul is not instructing us to \u201cplease everybody.\u201d Notice the phrase, \u201cas far as it depends on you.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This passage presupposes we can\u2019t live at peace with everyone. That\u2019s okay. Recognize that you can only be accountable for one side of any conflict, and release yourself from ruminating over how someone else may or may not feel about you.<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let God have the loudest voice in your life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Looking for professional or pastoral counseling? Check out<\/span><\/i><a href=\"http:\/\/discovergrace.com\/cc\/\"> <i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">discovergrace.com\/cc\/<\/span><\/i><\/a><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to learn more about Grace\u2019s Care and Counseling Center.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In the 1950s, prominent psychologist Karen Horney established three patterns of adjustment when faced with conflict: moving toward, moving against, or moving away from others.\u00a0 The Compliant Approach Do you&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47,"featured_media":104528,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,45,96,46,106],"tags":[],"post_folder":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-102631","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-counseling","8":"category-counselors-corner","9":"category-family","10":"category-magazine","11":"category-spiritual-growth"},"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - 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